Epic. I tell ya. Epic.
Failure that is.
Is there any chance you missed my tale of wheat growing? Here’s the posts in their sequential order. Whoa big word.
2. Wheat Week 1
And now for 5. “The Great Wheat Harvest”
“Great” here being more sarcastic than reality. Yes folks its true…I really, um…how do I put this? Hmmm…Kinda stink at growing wheat apparently? Or maybe it’s the fact that I did everything by hand. Quite literally. I cut the dang wheat with hedge trimmers ok? You can laugh at me, it’s ok. Shake your head if you must.
Let me walk you through what I did to harvest these lovely little grains of happy goodness.
Step 1: Take children’s bed sheet and spread it on the ground.
Step 2: Cut a bundle of wheat off of the rope that it has been hanging on in the garage drying for the last few weeks.
Step 3: Take wheat bundle to sheet and start banging it on the sheet as hard as possible.
Step 4: Try not to feel self conscious while doing this while you are standing on a hot pink bed sheet in polka dot rain boots and the neighbors are out.
Step 5: Realize your wheat banging is not producing much results. Opt to watch a YouTube video on how to do this “threshing” correctly.
Step 6: Set the wheat on the sheet and start hitting it with a stick…until your husband invents a much more highly dangerous tool called a “flail”. Yes, it’s really as dangerous as it sounds. Hide yo kids.
Step 7: Realize nothing is really working here and start empathizing with the Egyptians and how hard they must have had to work for a loaf of bread. Sheesh. (Ps- I am not trying to insult anyone, this is clearly only a joke…don’t hate).
Step 8: Notice that you do in fact have a few wheat berries that have fallen off the stalk. Do a happy dance. Continue “flailing” until all wheat bundles are done.
Step 9: Retrieve floor fan from children’s room. Plug into outlet in side the house and then drag the fan as far as it will go outside. Turn on full speed.
Step 10: Once again, try not to think about how ridiculous you must look with a FAN on your back porch. (Did I mention we’re still in polka dot boots?)
Step 11: Attempt to “Winnow” the wheat. Basically you need to separate the wheat berries from all the chaff. So you basically toss the wheat in the air (in front of the fan) and let the fan blow the chaff away and the wheat berries drop. (You have laid the bed sheet down on the porch as well here).
Step 12: This is so not working.
Step 13: Hand pick out little pieces of the wheat stalk and these strange little stringy things that will give you a sort of wheat splinter. I have a few in my hand right now.
Step 14: Admire what is finally left as the end product. Wheat berries. Ahhh…Perfect for making that beloved bread….if only there was enough…
You see, when I planted this wheat last year I scattered about 2.5lbs of wheat over an area. Welp. Here’s the kicker. I only harvested 14.5 OUNCES. Bahahahah. That definitely went as planned. Not. Apparently, wheat is suppose to yield 30-50 TIMES its original harvest. Meaning, if you plant 1 pound of wheat, you should theoretically get 30-50 pounds in return. Hey man, I would have been happy to break even here. Go ahead. Laugh again. Just remember I am not one who gives up easily.
At least it is the most prettiest wheat thine eyes e’re did see!! I’ll let you all have one bite of the loaf it makes. Or the bun it makes.
I might just have to leave this one to the pro’s. Cuz apparently I lack old fashioned skills.
Hey, at least the kids had a blast watching it grow. What a valuable lesson right? Can I at least get the “Mommy Tried Her Best” award?
Thank you for reading this final chapter. The story has been…entertaining.