Life has been a bit crazy lately. But then again, as I write that…I think that every blog post I have written over the past two years has basically started the same way. I had this realization the other day when I was pondering if I was ever going to feel “on top of it.” My kids are swirling around, screaching, playing in dirt, bumping heads, crying…oh the endless crying. The mere thought of having to empty the dishwasher for the 2nd time in one day seems overwhelming. I keep thinking to myself…if I can just get past this hard stage then I’ll be ok…just make it out alive. Then I had this slightly unhappy thought of “what if this is just the way it is.”
We have made a lot of choices over the past few years that have really set us up quite nicely for a life lived on the edge…of insanity. When I am evaluating all of these choices, I honestly can’t really think of any that I am wanting to let go of in order to save brain space. So, I have really had to sit myself down this week and talk to God about how in the world I am supposed to function in this way. For me, just coming to this acceptance has helped me. So on days when I feel like all my to-do list my swallow me up alive, I think about how this is just how it is right now and move along. I can personally waste a lot of time living in the “what if’s” and in the frustration that things aren’t the way I want them.
I specifically feel very challenged in the realm of child rearing and homeschooling. I have pretty much come to the determination that this was not intended to be done as a solo parent. Alex works outside of the home for 11 hours a day. That’s a REALLY long time to be alone with 3 children, manage a house and a business. It is for this reason that I feel I am putting every spare minute I have into building businesses that can help us achieve our ultimate goal of sustainability and for Alex to not have to work outside the house. It really is such a big dream.
It honestly brings me to humble tears thinking about how blessed we have been over these past few years. I cannot give God enough glory for what he has accomplished in our lives. I cannot thank our friends and family enough for the love, support and help they have been to us in all of our crazy endeavors.
So through it all, I fight hard and cry hard. Most days I don’t think I am going to get through it. Other days, I feel completely renewed and motivated. Accepting that this life that we have chosen is indeed a lot of work has helped me push past the regret, the envy, the pity and helped me put the pedal to the metal and make it happen. Fueled by passion, letting stress go.